I am anxious,
I am nervous
I am scared
and afraid.
I've tried climbing
all the ladders
I tried to sing, I tried to pray.
I am full
of endeavours
but all my best has failed
when I am falling
love is holding me
I am found
and I am safe

sometimes I wandered
in the darkness
sometimes been blinded
on the way
sometimes I'm stronger
sometimes I'm week
sometimes my faith
fades far away,
and I'm empty of endeavour
and there's nothing left to say
while I'm turning
love is seeking me
I am found
and I am safe.

why oh why
sighs my broken heart
I've failed before I try
whenever wandering to and fro'
I hear redemptions cry.

In the midst of my doubtings
in my struggles, in my pain
for I am held
when I am fearful
and I am safe
for I am found.

You have come
you have come to all.
whether we see you
or even know you name
you came
yes
you came.

and you love
you love us all
whether we know
this eternal burning flame
you love
yes
you love.

and I am overwhelmed
by the depth of grace
this battered and this bruised
heaven's holy face.
and so it was the nails
and the crown of thorns
showed us all you came
to show us all you love.

can we see
yes can we see?
this love for you
is this love for me

there are memories
gentle wakeful dreams
they fill my senses
with their peace.

I look behind me
quiet, water-stilled memories
I sigh and remember.

there was healing
on these island shores.
healing that was tied to her rocks
and her sands
and her morning-light.

My mind drifts forward,
past today with it's fears
and anxieties
and I search for another place,
another pleasant place
of lapping and lulling.

I pray,
I hope
sometimes
I even
wish

there is a home for me
perhaps
my heart is there now.

Relentlessly,
You search me out.
Tirelessly
you show your heart.
and the grace
that overflows
that forgives
love only knows
I'm found
above and below
just me.
How could this be
more than amazed
how could I know
yes I am afraid
yes this life
to destroy
so I run
and recoil
what is this
I have seen
in you.

And somehow I see
I don't really know
when I was scared to search
these thoughts founds me

I pray
the glimmer of light,
rays that are more than bright
may invade your night.

I pray
the peace of still waters
may flow 'round your troubled sea
so gentle, in hope abide.

Did Jesus come
to establish
"Christianity"?

Accepting doubts and fears
in nakedness of faith
where fear relies on love
and doubt longs for the truth

Is faith too strict for faithlessness
to question and enquire
perhaps some facts are fallacies
to free our fearful mind
is God defined
by what we believe
so he cannot say a word
to show us more
than we ask or think
is this just too absurd?

Are there words to know
for my struggles long to hear
a voice of gentle truth
to soothe my restless mind.

we persist with this pretence
playing games of security
rules forever unchallenged lie
our questions now denied

My thoughts no longer blind,
searching for the truth
I wish test the unknown seas
some truth perhaps to find

Oh Lord
Oh Lord of the faithless
Oh Lord of the fearful, faithless, broken life
Oh Lord come show show and tell.

I am just a child
I am just a child in arms
I am just an abandoned child
Oh Lord come show and tell.

I can barely walk,
I can barely walk and speak,
I can barely understand
Oh Lord come show and tell.

We are little babes
We are helpless, naked babes
We are babes who long to see,
Oh Lord come show and tell.

Oh sing my soul a lullaby,
sweet melodies of grace
sing my past a healing song
of hope, sweet mercy's tune.
hold my days with faithfulness
bathe them with dear love
Oh sing my soul a lullaby
And I shall be renewed.

light shall come
all around shall sing.
hope,
mercy,
grace
love.
And these melodies shall rise
with our chains
and with our shames
and we will see
hope
rising like the sun from our graves.
listen.
surely you can hear
words that for your heart only
have been sung for all time.
and night now finds a darkness
that is full of awe,
of beauty,
of wonder
and of rest.
no more fear
no more struggle.
listen
can you hear?

listen,

How quickly the clouds cleared.
One minute
drenched, cold and miserable
the next
a gentle hint of spring.

I do not understand.

How unruly our soul can be
as it lurches from 'up'
to 'down'.
There are no signposts,
no forewarning
just 'the now'...
and enough space to live
I apply all manner of incantations,
distractions
diversions
whilst remaining bogged in a deep black mud.
Much time is spent struggling through
the 'hows', the 'where's', the 'ifs' and the 'buts'.
The more I wrestle,
less answers I find
again I surrender
to 'not knowing".

Perhaps to taunt me
decidedly unannounced
the light trickled in.

And I am more confused.

Questions..
so many..
roundabout,
high,
low,
questions.
Do I seek correction
or comfort.
An uneasy quiet
surrounds me..
the mists of what is not yet..
and me?
I nervously look toward
all that troubles me.

Like a relentless moving train,
the threat of ominous storms
the anger of the wind
the fury of the waves.
can hope still rise triumphant
to rise above unknowns
we struggle with the question
the answer's silent song